[ Sorry that I can't provide the Gilbert & Sullivan music, but here at least are the lyrics of : ]
I Am the Very Model
of a Modern Libertarian
by Kim Plofker
I am the very model of a modern Libertarian:
I teem with glowing notions for proposals millenarian,
I've nothing but contempt for ideologies collectivist
(My own ideas of social good tend more toward the Objectivist).
You see, I've just discovered, by my intellectual bravery,
That civic obligations are all tantamount to slavery;
And thus that ancient pastime, viz., complaining of taxation,
Assumes the glorious aspect of a war for liberation!
You really must admit it's a delightful revelation:
To bitch about your taxes is to fight for liberation!
I bolster up my claims with lucubrations rather risible
About the Founding Fathers and the market's hand invisible;
In fact, my slight acquaintance with the fountainhead Pierian
Makes me the very model of a modern Libertarian!
His very slight acquaintance with the fountainhead Pierian
Makes him the very model of a modern Libertarian!
All "public wealth" is robbery, we never will accede to it;
You have no rights in anything if you can't show your deed to it.
(But don't fear repossession by our Amerind minority:
Those treaties aren't valid – – Uncle Sam had no authority!)
We realize whales and wolves and moose find wilderness quite vital,
And we'll give them back their habitats – – if they can prove their title.
But people like unspoiled lands (we too will say "hooray" for them),
So we have faith that someone else will freely choose to pay for them.
Yes, when the parks are auctioned it will be a lucky day for them –
We're confident that someone else will freely choose to pay for them!
We'll guard the health of nature by self-interest most astute:
Since pollution is destructive, no one ever will pollute.
Thus factories will safeguard our communities riparian –
I am the very model of a modern Libertarian!
Yes, factories will safeguard our communities riparian,
He is the very model of a modern Libertarian!
In short, when I can tell why individual consumers
Know best who should approve their drugs and who should treat their tumors;
Why civilized existence in its intricate confusion
Will be simple and straightforward, absent government intrusion;
Why markets cannot err within the system I've described,
Why poor folk won't be bullied and why rich folk won't be bribed,
And why all vast inequities of power and position
Will vanish when I wave my wand and utter "competition!" –
He's so much more exciting than a common politician,
Inequities will vanish when he hollers "Competition!"
– And why my lofty rhetoric and arguments meticulous
Inspire shouts of laughter and the hearty cry, "Ridiculous!",
And why my social theories all seem so pre-Sumerian –
I'll be the very model of a modern Libertarian!
His novel social theories all seem so pre-Sumerian –
He is the very model of a modern Libertarian!
Many Republicans & Libertarians say
" Sending money from Wahoo, Nebraska to Washington only to be re-distributed
back to Wahoo after it's gone through all those beurocratic (sp?) hands is nothing short of sheer lunacy!!! When it's all said and done, they only get back a portion of what they actually paid in... It would be much more efficient, I believe, if each state was in charge of their own local public needs..."
That may sound nice, until you take a closer look at those bucks in all the towns like Wahoo, Neb. and find that they aren't the bucks that were sent to D.C. from Wahoo, Neb. in the first place. They are bucks that originated in places like Greenwich, Conn or San Francisco, Calif.
Most of the states that voted for George W. Bush were "welfare states", getting more from the Federal Government than they send to it. (See exactly what I mean.)
Maybe we liberal (i.e. generous) states should give them what they think they want, and let them go without the paved roads, the super highways, the railways, the airports, the hospitals, the labor protections, the college assistance and local education funds, the welfare assistance, the Social Security, the Medicare, the Veterans Administration assistance, the environmental protections, the consumer protections, etc., etc., etc., which are all made possible for poorer, sparsely populated remote areas because of taxes raised in other communities.
Contrary to the often repeated Libertarian – Republican lie, such taxes are not gotten from more prosperous "liberal" communities and/or individuals by force! Athough it might take force to get more prosperous Libertarians and/or Republicans to be "liberal" towards those individuals and/or communities less fortunate than themselves, liberal Republicans (when there were such) have joined with liberal Democrats to vote to pay such taxes, and to "force" everybody in the community to pay those taxes. This practice is no more "cruel & unjust punishment" or robbery than the universal practice of forcing all of us liberal Democrats to pitch in to pay the salaries of conservative Republican public officials that a majority in our cities, states and the country have elected, even when we despise those officials and feel that they are working against the public interest.
Regarding the Libertarian idea that the only function of government today should be the functions at the time the Constitution was ratified, the Constitution is our nation's foundation, its floor, not its ceiling! By creating a Legislative branch, our Constitution gave the country a way to grow straight and tall (and far and wide), and to deal with all of the problems that it was likely to encounter over time (many of which the founding fathers knew that they could not forsee, but which the Legislatures would have to deal with, following the guidelines set forth in our Constitution.)
If you want something finished and unchanging, buy a statue. The Constitution is clearly much more like a seed, or a set of tools with which to create an ever growing masterpiece.
One of the best comparisons that I have found on the www of the major political philosophies in the U.S.A. is http://www.republicanliberty.org/libdex/li2005_over.htm , which views them all through the libertarian lens, but does so very objectively and intelligently. |
